No longer human

you've not hurt              me  today  so  you
take  your chance            and    you    step
through the   door           with a  flickering
glance and   you're          stirring  the  air
with historic deceits        and dragging  bags
of  tatters and  tooth-      rotting treats you
drop and spill your dirt     over the floor the
pills the needles syringes   and  more  and   I
hope  that  you're  in a cognitive mood  at the
first chance I get I will offer you food but if
you don't want it I know I'm in trouble and all 
you  desire  is to burst my  bubble you  always
pretend to think   you are right as  you  shout
in my face   and      you  try for a fight  and
you always  know        how  best  to   succeed
and all you want          is  to make my  brain
bleed  so    you           shout and you scream
accusations   at            me  and  I can't be
heard as I enter            my plea of innocent
with proof in the          shape of my heart as
your screams increase     as  soon  as I  start

                      and

              I pull out all of my
        tools of prevention to persuade
    you  to  cease this  game of  contention
 but there's no comprehension and no suspension
from this seemingly endless inane invention your
angry  anarchic attack on  convention and I know
that there's  no             mis-apprehension  as
you       play                 dangerous    games
with my heart                  -rate  with   your
nickel- plate                   nonsense you love
to  mis-state                   the truth of each
story    with                   lies that inflate
as you warm at                 the sight  of  the
damage to   date              then   I    finally
 manage  to tell you to go and I see the delight
  writ clear on your face and you step up  the
    evil torture a  pace to force me to push
      you out of the door because I can't
         take it for one second more.

 

you’ve not hurt me today so you take your chance
and you step through the door with a flickering glance
you’re stirring the air with historic deceits
dragging bags of tatters and tooth-rotting treats
you drop and spill your dirt over the floor
the pills the needles syringes and more
and I hope that you’re in a cognitive mood
at the first chance I get I will offer you food
but if you don’t want it I know I’m in trouble
‘cos all you desire is to burst my bubble
you always pretend to think you are right
as you shout in my face and you try for a fight
you always know how best to succeed
and all you want is to make my brain bleed
so you shout and you scream accusations at me
and I can’t be heard as I enter my plea
of innocent with proof in the shape of my heart
as your screams increase as soon as I start
and I pull out all of my tools of prevention
to persuade you to cease this game of contention
but there’s no comprehension and no suspension
from this seemingly endless inane invention
your angry anarchic attack on convention
and I know that there’s no mis-apprehension
as you play dangerous games with my heart-rate
with your nickel-plate nonsense you love to mis-state
the truth of each story with lies that inflate
as you warm at the sight of the damage to date
then I finally manage to tell you to go
and I see the delight writ clear on your face
as you step up the evil torture a pace
to force me to push you out of the door
because I can’t take it for one second more.

Written in February 2015

© Jane Paterson Basil

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Author: janebasilblog

Jane sits around and writes a bit, then she does some other stuff, then she sits around and writes a bit more, then she eats something. Sometimes, at night, she goes to bed.

12 thoughts on “No longer human”

    1. It goes some way to describing the abuse I was suffering from my youngest daughter, who, in addition to heroin, was taking a cockrail of other drugs. I had to ban her from my home in the end – even if I wanted to let her in, it is forbidden by the housing association that owns my home. There are a lot of places she’s banned from entering, including most of the supermarkets and a lot of shops. I’ve done all I can, but I cannot help her.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Jane, you have done-by expressing your grief and loss, ridding yourself of that as much as you can you see her differently. You may not even see it? Ar any rate, if we cannot change others, we know addicts hurt the ones they love the most deeply and if we change inside, it some how makes a change in them…it is one of God/
        ‘s mysteries! Love!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Unfortunately, I think Laura has damaged her brain beyond repair. She can’t think clearly enough to make changes in herself.
        I have changed, I love her to distraction, but have become more hardened to the situation, in preparation for her probable premature death – which, painful as it may be for those she leaves behind, will be a welcome release for her. Her life is miserable.
        xxx

        Like

    1. I wrote this in response to a prompt the Writing 101 poetry course. . It just spewed out of me – I couldn’t believe how easy it was. Reading it again, I can still feel the emotion of that particular night, the first time I had to throw Laura out of my borrowed home.
      There’s one line which looks as if it’s there just for the sake of rhyme; “at the first chance I get I will offer you food,” but it’s not – that’s one of the ways I gauged her condition…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes – although her pattern changed soon after that. She took to eagerly filling up her plate and gobbling everything down like a wild animal, hardly bothering to chew, though the larger the helping, the more likely she was to just take a single bite and then leave it. Heroin blocks the taste buds, and makes a person unwilling to eat anything but sweet stuff (they can still taste that). The legal high she was using made her so crazy she didn’t know what she was doing, so sometimes she would eat, and sometimes she would leave it.
        Paul saw her today – she said she was going to see a doctor about her weird behaviour (she hasn’t taken legal highs for at least two days) but it’s unlikely that she’ll even make an appointment, and even if she does, there’s unlikely to be any help for her, because psychiatrists won’t go near addicts and regular users.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Paul has been avoiding Laura since he moved out of his dad’s house, because her behaviour is so upsetting, and infuriating. It’s impossible to have a proper conversation with her, because she can’t focus on even the simplest fact. She asks the same question over and over, and at the end of it she has no idea what the answer is. she’s also cruel, trying to make those she loves as worried and unhappy as possible. But now he feels guilty for avoiding her. I think it’s that simple, though I can’t be sure. I admit I’m worried. She’s a dangerous woman who will do her utmost to destroy him.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They used to, but not any more – I hope. But it scares me. She never stopped pushing her boyfriend, Jody, to do everything that she did, and he’s dead because of it. He died from a heroin overdose – and yet heroin was not his drug of choice.

        Liked by 1 person

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