I hunger

I hunger
to be free of the pain
which eats at me
every time I see my children
in knee-bending oblivion
lying
denying
laying insipid alibis
at my feet

I hunger
to be free of the pain
which eats at me
every time
I think of the needles
that stab their skin
stealing their
potential

I hunger
to be free of the pain
which eats at me
every time
a friend asks me
if they are well
or I get a schizoid text
from my daughter
or my son promises
he’ll be with me in a minute
but leaves me waiting
all evening, and
I don’t cook dinner
as it will be cold
long before he gets here.

reminders of their childhood days are too painful to face, I have hidden the baby pictures, the framed school photos, the holiday snaps, those smiling faces caught so long ago by the click of a camera

I blank out the memories of their first steps,their hopes, their successes, their trousers, their dresses, the soft feel of their tresses, their teddies, their toys and their games. I aim to forget that I ever dreamed, that I ever expected their lives to be better than they have become, because therein lies a trap with teeth of steel that will swallow me up in an instant

I hunger
to be free of the pain
which eats at me

Written for The Sandbox Writing Challenge #33 “What do you hunger for?”

©Jane Paterson Basil

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Author: janebasilblog

Jane sits around and writes a bit, then she does some other stuff, then she sits around and writes a bit more, then she eats something. Sometimes, at night, she goes to bed.

10 thoughts on “I hunger”

    1. As you know, there are many parents like me, and many of them have not yet – may never – build up the resources I have. Please pray for them, and for all those souls who are on the brink of becoming lost to us…
      xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I pray for Laura everyday now. To be honest I’ve set an alarm on my watch. Every night at 1020 I talk to a God I’m not sure exists. That is the only thing i can do from my end. Sorry this is morals, we spoke. I don’t know if this will matter to you or not but what little you shared touched me and has been a constant background thought in my head. I wound up calling my mother, though absent she did visit me in prison, she checks up on me but doesn’t think I know. I also started starting, I’ve wanted to not be me for a long time. The only way that can happen is to change. I am hooked up to a 24hr halter heart monitor at the moment, had nuclear die tests, ecg, and and an ultrasound of the heart today. I went in for stomach pain and a swollen foot… I was given beta blockers for hypertension, blood thinners, pills for cholesterol and one hell of a scare. I may have decided to do something, just a little to late. I’m probably over thinking it, just the speed of witch I got all the tests and way my feet get big is scary. Regardless your Laura did some good through you. I got inspired.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Are you druglovedisaster? I’ve found your current blog, and want you to know how impressed I am. You have a lot of crap to deal with, but you’re a decent person. You pray to a God who may not exist, for my daughter, and I will pray to a God who may not exist, for you, but you’re worthy of so much more than my prayers.
      I’ll tell Laura about you. If you have not travelled too far down the road to be able to see a possibility of returning, maybe she hasn’t either.
      I have an administrative fault at the moment, which prevents me from commenting on other blogs. I can only respond to comments I receive, otherwise your posts would be splashed with my comments and questions.
      Thank you for existing, and for taking the trouble to communicate with me, over Laura. You have a good heart, and I hope that our interaction can help both you and my daughter.
      Nothing that has been written to me since I began blogging, over a year ago, has affected me as profoundly as your messages have. I feel too overwhelmed to say more right now, but I hope we can link up again soon.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It was – that’s why I keep my heart under lock and key most of the time. I need to get back to this stuff, but right at the moment it terrifies me. I’m in some sort of recovery from my children’s addictions, and it’s a delicate time for me.

        Liked by 1 person

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