But you can’t hear me

you never give, you just take
while my aching soul wonders
how many heartaches make too late
I can’t find the formula for this equation
and anyway, I lost count of the many occasions
you both made me suffer
and now it hurts too much to concentrate
my heart strains and I feel I may suffocate
there are times when I think I hate you
but I know it’s just frustration
I try to be what the two of you need
but you want oblivion without the dearth of death
you don’t care about me, only the things I can be for you
you hound me when you need someone to lean on, to feed from
you take as many pieces of me as you can carry
then you’re out of reach ’til you need something else
everyone has an opinion
some say I should cut you both loose
while others say I shouldn’t desert you, I mustn’t lose you
but I lost you years ago, and now I’m not certain who you are
and I just want the pain to go
or at least to shrink to a familiar ache
but it weighs me down, steals marrow from my bones
dehydrates me, makes the blood flow sluggish in my veins
I faint, I hyperventilate, I shake, my skin creeps
and when I wake to find I am still alive
I know I have been grinding my teeth while I was sleeping
I forget to meditate to ease the strain
I’m sick from the grieving
but, hey, why am I complaining?
It’s not me who is the victim of addiction
and, as you are always telling me
I haven’t
a clue
what
it’s like
to be
you

©Jane Paterson Basil

Author: janebasilblog

Jane sits around and writes a bit, then she does some other stuff, then she sits around and writes a bit more, then she eats something. Sometimes, at night, she goes to bed.

30 thoughts on “But you can’t hear me”

  1. Not the victim of addiction , a victim of the addicted.
    haven’t a clue what it’s like to be you – they haven’t a clue what it’s like to be you
    Hugs Jane – lots xxxxx

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    1. I think I just needed to rant a bit. I’ve decided to record one week of my life – not sure whether I’ll post it though.
      I’ve done a really silly post for Making it Write, and I feel a lot better now 🙂

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    1. Funny you should say that – Paul didn’t like it, or rather, he said it was good, but a bit harsh. If he hadn’t hurt me so much over the past couple of days I would never have written it. Maybe I should be grateful to him 🙂

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      2. No – though he may be back in prison in a few days. If he misses his appointment with the probation officer on Friday he’ll be arrested, and won’t come out again until September. It’s horrible, but that’s what I would like to happen. His freedom is putting me under a great deal of stress.

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    1. I was hoping you’d message me – I went on your site, clicked ‘follow,’ and commented at the bottom of one of your posts, but I think it disappeared into your spam folder – I’m not a spammer and WordPress are meant to be sorting the problem out, but they haven’t managed it so far.
      I’d be grateful if you would mark my message as ‘not spam’ as I was hoping we could keep in touch. If you reinstate it any message I send will go to your posts.
      I know my post sounded angry – I was angry with my son, but I also know we’re in this together, no matter where we are standing.

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      2. Hover over where it says My sites, at the top left side of the screen. A tab will come up with the name of your site on it. When you shift the curser onto it, several options should come up. One of them is Manage Comments. Click on that, and you’ll find the comments page. The spam heading is at the top of the page. Click on that, and when you hover over my comment you’ll see ‘Not spam.’ If you click that, the message goes to your post.
        That’s one way of getting there…

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      4. Ok, great – thank you for that.
        I don’t know whether you’d be interested, but WordPress offers several free courses to bloggers. The beginner one is called Blogging Fundamentals. It’s a useful way of learning how to make the most of your blog, and if you sign up for it you’re not committed to anything – you do as much or as little of it as you wish. I could send you the link if you like…

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      10. No, I’ve got two – Gravatar is something else. I’m not sure what, but without it you wouldn’t have that little round icon beside your blog title.
        I started motheringaddicts because I thought it would be a good idea to separate the addiction stuff from the rest, but I don’t post there as often as I should.

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