Laura’s detox Part 2

Laura’s detox is over. at about 8.30 this morning she was in pain, and twitching. At about 9.15 she rang her sister Sarah, probably hoping that the sound of her voice would strengthen her resolve – which it did for a short while – but at about 10.15 she started hassling me for a tenner she saw in my purse yesterday. I had to keep repeating the same refusal over and over, but she wasn’t hearing me, because it was too late. She’d already made the decision to use.

Her dad, Mike was in bed, because he had to work early this morning. She went upstairs and begged him for money. When he refused she took £20 out of his trouser pocket. Instead of refusing to give her a lift untill she returned it, he agreed to take her to Barnstaple immediately. I had slept – badly –  wrapped around my bag, and held on to it all morning, but when Mike agreed to take her into town I momentarily forgot all about it. I went to pick up my belongings from the spare room, upstairs. As soon as I got to the top of the stairs I realised, but it was too late. I found Laura crouched over my bag. She jumped away quickly, but it was too late. My wallet was open and the money was gone. She vehemently insisted she hadn’t taken it. There was nothing I could do. I asked Mike not to go anywhere until she returned the money, but he refused to co-operate. He said he was driving into town straight away.

It has always been like that. Apparently we should not apportion blame, but I find it hard not to, as I’ve watched my children grow up with no boundaries, because the ones I tried to build were deliberately saboutaged (Mike resented my ability to take on almost any task, and carry it out well, so he punished undermined my parenting without the least concern for their future) and Mike was too lazy too build any himself. Laziness usually results in extra work later on, and parental laziness can be disastrous, as my two younger children demonstrate.

I was furious with Laura, and unable to cover it up. I was also furious with Mike, but there’s no point in venting my spleen on him. It only makes matters worse if he sees me as the enemy.

Mike sometimes drives a van, because he delivers newspapers over the weekend, and that was what he was using today. I put Laura in the front seat because she was feeling nauseous – as could be expected – and she needed to be able to get out quickly if necessary. She asked me to reach over the seat and  hold her, but, because I was so angry and frustrated, I refused. Then I glanced at the newspaper on top of the  pile beside me, and saw the murdered MP Jo Cox’s smiling face gazing at me. I remembered my promise to myself, made only three days ago, to think of Jo every time I got angry.

I felt ashamed. I knelt behind Laura’s seat Laura’s seat, reached my arms out and got as much body contact between us as I could, resting the side of my head against hers, and I stayed in that uncomfortable and increasingly painful position until she got out of the car.

24 hours earlier Laura had been talking about ending her life. I don’t know what her future holds, and even if I did, that would be no excuse for witholding love from my sick child. She shouldn’t have stolen from me, but I knew she had reached the point when she would if she got the opportunity, and I gave her that opportunity, if only for a moment. She suffers enough. She shouldn’t have to suffer for my mistakes too.

Here’s the amusing (?) thing – When I told her to give the money back, and she told me she hadn’t taken it, she pulled everything out of her pockets, and the ten pound note wasn’t there, but I saw a five pound note sitting on top of the bag she had slung over her shoulder. I picked it off her bag, because otherwise it would have floated away. The extent of my honesty is such that instead of hanging on to it, I placed it in her palm, and she quickly shoved it into her pocket. When I got home and unpacked all my stuuf, I noticed the following items in the bottom of the bag which contaained my wallet: 1 pouch of tobacco, and £1.71 in change, and I suddenly remembered the only cash purchase I’d made while in South Molton. Laura had asked me to buy her a pouch of tobacco, and it had cost £3.29. I’d paid for it with the tenner, and been given £6.71 change. The fiver I had given back to her had been mine. When she said she hadn’t stolen £10 she was telling the truth. She’d only taken £5. When I caught her in the act, she pushed it up her sleeve, and it fell onto her bag.

For a few hours Laura and I were close again, and the fact that it didn’t end as I had hoped, does not detract from the experience. I feel enriched by it. She wants to get clean from drugs, but hasn’t got the strength to cold turkey. She’s engaging with the drugs services, and she will be put on a script if she doesn’t have another wobble and miss her appointments. It’s not my idea of the best way to get clean, but for her and many others like her, it may be the only way. Knowing that I still love her as much as I always have, and will be strong for her, will help to urge her forward.

Advertisements

Author: janebasilblog

Jane sits around and writes a bit, then she does some other stuff, then she sits around and writes a bit more, then she eats something. Sometimes, at night, she goes to bed.

12 thoughts on “Laura’s detox Part 2”

    1. You mean methadone. I’ve felt that way for years, but without a lot of help Laura can’t cold turkey. Laura’s been a priority case for over two years. They even tried to persuade her to go straight into a detox wing, followed up by re-hab after her boyfriend died – usually you have to be on a script to get that – but she refused. They’ve tried to get her sectioned for her own safety, but the psychs screamed “addict” and ran away. She has an underlying mental disorder and autism, neither of which the medics will address until she’s clean. The NHS refuses to work with the drug service. The plan now is to get her on methadone, then switch her to Subutex when she’s clean and able to engage with the psychs. Her mental state suggests that if she goes straight to Subutex she’ll be at greater risk of suicide. I don’t think her key worker likes methadone, but she sees no other option, short term.
      I know about the meth detox, but anything is better than the state she’s in at the moment. I know a couple of people who’ve got off meth and stayed clean…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. An old friend of mine got through withdrawal by taking methadone,
        which he bought from a dealer and very powerful pain killers called
        DF118, which he got from the same dealer.
        He’s been clean now for 30 years.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m guessing this is the friend you told me about quite a while ago, and he got clean because he was in control of his meds. He probably made it a short term thing, and kept the dosage low – the drugs services tend to up it every time anyone has a slip.
        Thanks. I’ll do some research x

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Jane, you gave Laura the one thing she couldn’t get from anyone else, boundaries AND unconditional love. Those are two things she needs to know that CAN go hand in hand when meted out by a person who has your best interest at heart. She WILL remember that when she gets to the place where she has to make that final choice. And hopefully she’ll choose life. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think she’ll choose life. She phoned up to apologise this evening. She kept saying “Why does it happen? I don’t understand how I can turn into that animal.” She owned up to taking that small amount of money, and we went into the finer details of a plan which is being discussed with the drug services. It’s a good one.
      I’m lining up all the support I can from my friends, her friends from school and the various support services.
      Today wasn’t pleasant, and she was very ill, but we’ve made a lot of headway 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. She needs to get back on the medication for her mood disorder. Until she does, there’s a risk that she could swing the other way – but I think that risk has been lessened over the past couple of days.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The same guy.
    A good guy.
    Don’t get me wrong, he went through
    a lot of pain.
    He never injected. A fear of needles.
    He snorted.
    Same outcome. Same craving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have no doubt he’s a good guy. It comes across 🙂
      Almost all the addicts around here use needles. I’m glad he didn’t.
      I read up on DF118. I suppose the only effective painkillers for this addiction are opiates. I haven’t heard of people using it around here. Right now Gabapentalin is the popular one, but I don’t know whether it’s got anyone clean, or if they’re just using it to get wasted.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There must be so many answers to that question, but none of them explain why we have so little regardd for life.
        Laura rang me last night. She’s ashamed, and disgusted with herself. I feel a little hope, for her at least.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s