Happy land

oak123456.jpg

did you find that place?
glimpsed so clear and clean in the split-second
when you tripped from doubt to decision
so clear and clean that you could almost feel the
toothpaste-tingle as your lips stretched across your teeth

did you find that happy land?
where the wraps from yesterdays tricks and treats
have been blown from your soul and into the bin
where hope has been reborn and grown
(deep rooted like a noble oak) to become reality

did you find that place?
did you stagger, did you crawl, to reach it?
did you cry out for mercy or relief?
rolling in you own vomit, odour of the devil’s shit up your nose, curled up stretched out writhing cramping agony, aches through every inch of you thinking it’s big so big like the planet like the Universe nothing but this this is all there is brain screaming out its need brain screaming for release screaming for
one
last
pinprick
that little pinprick would take away the pain
did you give in?
or did you reach that happy land?

did you reach that place?
did you escape your prophesied fate?
or do you still die a little every day?

©Jane Paterson Basil

Advertisements

Author: janebasilblog

Jane sits around and writes a bit, then she does some other stuff, then she sits around and writes a bit more, then she eats something. Sometimes, at night, she goes to bed.

12 thoughts on “Happy land”

    1. She gave up on the detox on Sunday and I spent yesterday afternoon with her. She was feeling positive about the plan she’s made with the drug service, but I haven’t heard from her today. She hasn’t got a phone…
      There’s too much going on. Paul’s in a terrible state – the prison he’s in the first and only one to introduce an experimental smoking ban, and violence is rife because of it. New prisoners are being issued clothes that haven’t been washed for ages, there’s a rat infestation, they’ve run out of pillows, his sink’s blocked… the list goes on. On top of that he’s been let down in the worst way by the girl he put all his faith in and is breaking his heart over it. How can I ignore him right now? Everyone’s angry and he’s in serious physical danger. They all are. That prison already had one of the worst suicide rates in the country. It’s disgusting.
      I’m being pulled all over the place…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. On the other hand what if when they really need you your well is dry. You can’t give someone else a drink if your pitcher is empty. Go see your brother and get your pitcher filled up. If the kids were going to do something terminally stupid it wouldn’t make a difference if you were there. You can’t live your life in their shadows, Jane. That’s not good for you OR them. Let them realize your life is bigger than your kids. That’s what Drollery and I talk about a lot. That reality would be good for them. They can remain children as long as you don’t give yourself some space between you and them. Let them grew up a little without you there for a week or so to hold their emotional hands.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That was the plan two years ago, when I spent six months in the woods, only seeing Laura for a few hours every month or so. That’s when Laura got into the terrible state she’s only now recovering from. She has a serious mental disorder and needs a carer, but she doesn’t have anyone but me. She also needs to know she’s loved. I’m trying to set things up so that she has more support. If it works I can go away. If it doesn’t I’ll have to take a rest anyway. I think I should plan for a visit to Spain in October or November.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s